


a four letter word (and it starts with L)

by Narci



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Baseball, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anorexia Althletica, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, Pitcher!Eren, Sad!Eren, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, coach!Levi, mentions of an eating disorder, no beta we die like men, retired baseball legend!Levi, youtube sports commentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-10-11 13:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20546693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narci/pseuds/Narci
Summary: He didn’t look like how he should. Eren Jaeger was successful. He was a MLB prospect. He was everything that this Eren wasn’t anymore. His friends back home probably wouldn’t even recognize him like this.





	1. Prologue

“Look out, Titans! Eren Jaeger is taking the mound! Wowee, Fred, The Jags were lucky to recruit this particular young man!”

“Oh! Definitely. Jaeger has some of the best stats we've ever seen in college baseball! Not only is he an amazing pitcher, he’s also quite the hitter with a .312 average!”

“Exactly, Fred! He’s an all around great player! I still remember when he played center!”

“You know who he reminds me of, Todd?”

“Who, Fred?”

“The infamous Levi Ackermann. Both prodigious pitchers, both originally from the north, both skilled hitters!”

“Not only that, Fred! They also share the number on their backs!”

“I do believe you’re right, Todd. #3, eh? Lucky number, that.”

“You’re absolutely correct, Fred! Now watch as the young man prepares to pitch what may just be his last of the game! With two outs already, the Titan’s #50, last name Hoover, has to be very careful about his swings! The Titans haven’t been able to score even once since the Jags switched pitchers in the second inning.”

“Let’s take a short moment to evaluate the Titan’s B. Hoover! He’s actually quite the remarkable player himself! Hoover is the tallest college baseball player currently active this season at a whopping six foot eight. His batting average is a solid .294 which isn’t something to sneeze at, but will he be enough to break Jaeger’s streak? Especially with two foul strikes already resting on his shoulders?”

“I don’t know, Fred, but I can’t wait to find out! There it goes! Jaeger has received his time warning, we might just witness something amazing here, Fred!”

“Gorgeous form as always with the Jag’s #3! His windup starts slow, but as he pulls back, you can almost see his muscles flex from here! Todd, do you see how long he keeps the ball hidden? That’s just another technique that makes him an excellent pitcher!”

“Don’t forget the best part, Fred!”

“How could I ever, Todd? It’s the last twist and snap that really sends the ball flying! Look as he moves! This seems to be yet another strike, oh! Looks like maybe the pressure didn’t sit well with #50 because Hoover didn’t even swing! Yes, that’s right! Jaeger has just won the Jags their first game against the Titans this season-“

“Fred! Wait! Look at Jaeger! He seems to be crouched in- is that pain?”


	2. Boredom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Acceptance is the only thing Eren refused to lose to.
> 
> (three months after the accident)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (btw this story sort of isn’t entirely linear, so I will be posting when each chapter happens in comparison to the prologue)

i.

Everyday was the same. Every single fucking day. It was the same thing. Wake up. Do some half hearted physical therapy. Shower for as long as he could get away with before it went cold. Walk to work because he couldn’t afford to bus. Work for six to eighteen hours. Walk home because he still couldn’t afford to bus. Even more half hearted physical therapy. Attempt homework. And, finally, the awaited sleep. Except for Sunday and Monday. On Sundays and Mondays he walks to school instead of work. He was only taking three classes because of his old belief that overloading your schedule was bad. 

Eren incredibly regretted that sentiment now as he scrambled, slowly, to fill the void baseball had left in his life. It wasn’t really working, but he deserved a medal for his efforts. Everyday was scheduled. He found that schedules sometimes made him forget about baseball. That was probably because they bored him out of his mind, though. 

Eren needed action. Eren needed baseball. But he couldn’t really have either, so work it was. And work he did.

It took exactly four weeks after his injury to start looking for a part time job. One month it took him to give up the idea that the whole thing might just be a cruel joke. That it might just right itself with time. One whole month to correct a simple issue with his hopes.

Because it wouldn’t, Eren thought with an exaggerated sigh, and it hadn’t. 

It was Monday night. His freshman year of college, he'd been doing extra sprints or pitches around this time. Even though that may have been part of the reason he was in his current situation, he still missed it dearly. 

He missed everything about baseball. Most of all though, Eren missed the variety. The variety of a game was what made life worth living. It was what made Eren’s life worth anything.

Without a game, _ the game _ , he was lost- no, he was _ bored _. Incredibly, inevitably, bored. 

Eren’s life with baseball was akin to sprinting down a long, seemingly endless, corridor. You watch as doors pass by, some closed, some ajar, some open. You momentarily wonder if maybe you should stop, if maybe you should just take a short break in one of the rooms that you keep seeing- keep passing, but you suddenly remember why you’re running. You remember that the Room you want to make it to is at the end of the hall, and if you stop, even for that short break you desperately want, you won’t be able to make it to the end in time. You might not make it to the end at all.

Losing the sport was like losing that end destination. So… it goes something like this instead… well, you keep sprinting. You keep seeing doors pass. You still wonder if you should stop. Except now there’s a small pause and you realize: the Room you were running to has been closed, shut with a sickening pop. Your pace slows in shock, in horror, in disappointment. And, as soon as you stop, the very second your forward momentum leaves you, a wall appears in front of you. 

It’s a solid wall with no windows. Just red bricks stacked neatly. You become confused- confusion is always the first emotion, the depression comes after. In your state of shock at the wall’s appearance, you glance back at where you’d come from, the long winding hall you’d been moving through at breakneck speed since before you could remember, and you notice all the doors you had barely thought of before. 

Once, some had been open, unlocked, tempting… now? They all seemed slammed shut, carefully closed as to keep you from ever possibly entering. 

Panic comes second, after the confusion, and with it is a multitude of actions. First, you start the fruitless task of opening the doors. You then notice that they don’t even have knobs anymore, or key holes, or an access pad, or- or anything! After you check the few doors around you, you start running almost as fast as you had before in the other direction. 

You run further and further from the brick wall in hopes of one open door; you only really need one. Suddenly, exhaustion hits. Without a guaranteed end, running becomes so much more difficult, so there eventually gets to be a time when you run out of energy. When you huff and puff, and try to catch your run away breath, you stop moving through the hall. 

Exhaustion is what makes you look back to where you have travelled through twice now. You suddenly want to see how far you’ve gone, how far you’ve made it as compared to how far you have left: instead, you see harsh red bricks. It’s suddenly as if you haven’t moved at all. The wall that kept you from the room, your Room, at the end of the hall is still directly in front of you. Its red and grey and gold and black patterns burn themselves into your retinas. 

Exhaustion doesn’t leave like panic and confusion do. Exhaustion settles in, deep into your bones, as you slowly lower yourself to the tile floor. The spot the exhaustion claims as its own used to be motivation’s home, you soon realize. You can’t quite make yourself get back up and keep looking for any open door, any open door at all. 

Acceptance claws at your soul, trying to dig its way in even though you try to fight it back on every side. Acceptance is usually a gentle thing. For you, though, it’s vicious. It’s the worst emotion to let in. Exhaustion may keep pinning you to the floor, but acceptance makes you stop trying, stop wanting, to get back up. 

Acceptance curls its fingers around your heart, creeping upwards to grip your neck and then your jaw. It faces you forward. It makes you finally, truly see the wall in front of you. And then… well, it makes you appreciate it. It tells you things you would never believe without the room you always run for being closed off, and the wall appearing- blocking you from moving forward.. It whispers that sitting down, resting, is better than pursuing an impossible objective anyway. That it’s easier. That it’s expected. That it’s unsurprising that you eventually gave up on running. And at least the wall gives you an excuse to take a break, it sings from where it’s holding onto you by its fingers. 

Acceptance eventually makes you like the wall. 

And acceptance is the only thing Eren refused to let dig its way into his head. Sure, fighting against exhaustion everyday was, well, exhausting, but anything was better than accepting that he would never actually see the end of the hallway. The place Eren had dreamed about all his life. Eren could grapple with the panic, spar against the confusion, and withstand the exhaustion, but if acceptance ever made it past his defenses… he didn’t want to imagine a life like that.

Looking at the wall is unavoidable, exhaustion causes you to not feel like it’s possible to look anywhere else, but Eren had been able to desperately push against the soul deep lethargy, and slowly, he had twisted himself away from the wall. The long, long, impossibly never ending corridor stretched on in front of him. Exhaustion relented a bit and allowed him to move forward. Given an inch, Eren would take a mile, and he wrenched himself from the floor before exhaustion could stop him. Once he was up, exhaustion sighed tiredly and became like a heavy blanket rather than the shackles and chains of moments before. 

Eren took a step forward, and it was harder than all of the running he had done after the wall appeared. The next step was even heavier. Every step after that became increasingly draining, and it seemed like Eren would not regain energy like he had in the previous pursuit of his Room. 

Regardless of the weight, Eren kept creeping forward. The wall was actually starting to fall back as he moved forward in the direction that would have been backwards not even a year ago. Eren made the most important observation he possibly could have in that very moment. As long as he kept moving, the wall didn’t follow him. Eren just knew that, if ever he stopped, exhaustion would bear down harder than before, the wall would rush forward to trap him once again, and acceptance would be one step further along in its plan.

Eren might end up killing himself. Ending it before acceptance managed to best him, fair and square, and declare his mind its new kingdom. Because, at least that way, it was his choice, and he could go out still wishing, somewhat hopelessly, that he would see the Room. Believing that just a glimpse would be good enough, would be joyous enough to make the battle worth it. So… there might come a time, when defeat is imminent and unavoidable, that death might be his best option. Eren laughed at the absurd thought. Jean always had called him a suicidal bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry! this chapter doesn’t have much to do with actually playing baseball? most of the main ones will not, however the last one will! 
> 
> also, this is a 5+1 fic, but I could really decide what to call it? 5 times Eren missed baseball + 1 time baseball missed Eren? yeah, like that doesn’t sound gooooood, so I picked a different name!
> 
> next chapter will be posted tomorrow or the day after! 
> 
> sneak peek/title drop-
> 
> ANGER


	3. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean really had thought they were better friends than this, but Eren always managed to surprise him. This time though, the surprise wasn’t exactly welcome. 
> 
> (one week after the accident)

ii.

It took a week. Seven full days. 

Of course he had gone with the surgery, what other choice did he have? This way, Eren might still be able to play. Without the surgery, Eren may never have pitched again. It was a no brainer. 

Sure, the surgery would take months to recover from, but Eren _ would _eventually recover. Coach Pixis would understand that. He always tried to understand his players. 

So, of course, the first place he went once he was discharged was Pixis’s office. The door was slightly ajar, and he took that as a sign that it was okay to enter. The halls around him were mostly empty, so he took a second to breathe before pushing the door open and heading inside.

The overhead light was off, but the shades were pushed wide open, bathing the medium sized workspace in natural Alabama sunlight. The glare of it caused Eren to squint as he walked further into the room.

“Eren?” Pixis questioned from his right. The student in question looked over to him as soon as the word left his mouth. 

“I came to fill you in on my elbow’s status!”

“Eren-“

“I ended up getting the Tommy John surgery, so I can’t practice for a few months, but I promise I’ll make it up-“

“Jaeger,” the older man said sternly. He rubbed his temples with a tortured expression on, “You’re off the team, kid.”

“W-what?” Eren choked out at the sudden declaration. 

“Kid, you broke the rules. You didn’t follow my training regiment. You didn’t tell me about your elbow even though all the doctors told you the pain you were experiencing might have lead to a more serious injury, which it did. You don’t talk to me, Jaeger. How could I possibly allow my lead pitcher to disobey and disrespect me like that?”

“I-I meant no disrespect, sir! I just hadn’t thought it would get that bad, Coach! I would have told you had I known!”

The kid really looked sincere, Pixis thought to himself, but he couldn’t be sure it wouldn’t happen again, “would you have, though? Can you look me in the eyes and promise you’d tell me immediately if something happened that might possibly stop you from playing in even one game?”

“No, sir,” Eren whispered carefully. His hazel eyes were beginning to shine with unshed tears. The water and the light made the gold and turquoise flecks sparkle brightly. Suddenly, the hardwood floors seemed very interesting to him.

“Then you can’t expect me to trust you on my team. Now get out, Jaeger,” a pause, “take care of yourself, okay?”

“Okay,” Eren spat with a sudden venom that Pixis hadn’t originally anticipated but probably should have expected, “sir.”

His hands clenched against his thighs as he stiffly moved himself to the office’s door. It was still open from when he had walked in, so he probably didn’t have to open it more at all, let alone yank it like he wanted to, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from doing it anyways. 

It smashed against the corresponding wall, and Pixis looked up from the papers that had previously regained his attention, “Jaeger! Be respectful of my property.”

“Of course, sir,” Eren responded in a not at all genuine tone, “I apologize.”

And then he stalked out of the office he had spent so much time in the past year or so. Eren didn’t really know what had just happened. But he was pissed.

Most of the walk back to his dorm was a blur. The student body was currently just a moving mass of irritation to add to his burning anger. Eren’s dorm monitor almost greeted him when he walked through the main doors, but he seemed to rethink that decision when he saw the younger student’s expression. Instead, he waved lightly and remained silent.

Eren paid him no attention. His mind was a raging storm of questions: mainly- why? Why would Pixis just let his best player go like that? Just because of an injury? It was serious, sure, but torn UCLs aren’t always career ending injuries anymore. Eren wasn’t done for, was he? He could still get back to top shape after his arm healed, right?

Would Pixis let him back on the team if he healed up and apologized to him? 

Eren’s thought process caught when he noticed an official seeming letter slipped into his mailbox. It was from the scholarship committee, he noted slowly. Envelope held tightly in hand, Eren finally unlocked his dorm room and managed to sit down at his desk. His stuff hadn’t been moved in the week he was gone. That was actually really considerate of Jean. 

Eren internally thanked his roommate, he would never actually thank him, of course, as he ripped open the letter with his unharmed arm and his teeth. He had calmed down once he decided on his game plan. First, he would recover physically. Then, he would apologize sincerely to Coach Pixis. And lastly, he would rejoin the team for his third season. It was a perfect, and perfectly simple, plan. 

That is- until the words on the page in his hands actually started to make sense to Eren. It was a notice that he’d be losing his scholarship next year due to his permanent expulsion from the baseball team. It bluntly informed him that he’d either have to pay tuition next year, apply for an academic scholarship, or drop out. 

As soon as the words ‘permanent expulsion’ reached his brain, he dropped the letter from his hands as if it had burned him. In a way, it kind of had. After all, Eren felt very burned now. His entire body burned. And Eren was always a ‘do now, think later’ kind of person, so… he kind of flipped. 

And not just metaphorically. Eren literally flipped... a desk. The desk was not his own. It was Jean’s, he thought in a short moment of clarity, he just flipped Jean’s desk completely over, and tossed it halfway across the room. He was momentarily shocked by how strong his left arm was all by itself. 

Eren caught sight of the embossed school seal in the corner of his eye as his drastic motion had caused the letter to flutter gently to the carpeted floor. 

...This time he flipped his own desk, thank you very much. Not that it did anything to relieve the scorch traveling through his veins with every pump of his heart. Eren growled loudly as he ripped his blankets of his bed. He threw them somewhere near Jean’s desk as he picked something else to throw. Next, he grabbed Jean’s and his shared lamp and smashed it against his overturned desk. 

Why would Pixis do this to him? Eren did everything to please that man. He did everything to make that man believe in him as his head pitcher. Everything Eren did was to make Pixis trust him to play. Everything! Everything! 

“Everything!” Eren screamed as he kicked the lamp’s shade across the room. Tears were rolling down his face as he voiced his frustration via heartfelt growls and shouts. 

“All I ever wanted,” Eren whispered as yanked at his dresser, “was to make it to the major leagues. That’s all I wanted.”

The mahogany dresser came down with a thundering boom as it smacked into the gray carpet. The sound shook Eren out of his haze. All around him was carnage. He had destroyed almost everything. All that was left standing was the bunk bed frame in the left corner of the room. Tears flowed freely from his eyes as he sunk to the debris covered floor next to the now cracked wooden wardrobe. 

Eren barely heard the jingling of keys and the snap of the door unlocking over his now dry sobs. Jean was back. 

“Eren, are you b- what. the. fuck. happened? Were we robbed?”

“No, you fucking Horse Face. We weren’t robbed.”

A beat of silence, then Jean screeched as he spun to stare at Eren. His eyes seemed to bug out and then squint as he took in Eren’s huddled form. The pitcher’s arm was cradled to his chest, his other hand was bleeding profusely from the oddest positions, but the most shocking feature was the tears. Jean had been stuck with Eren fucking Jaeger for a year and a half, and he had never, ever, once seen the dude cry. Not once. And there he was, sitting on the floor, surrounded by what used to be their furniture, liquid flowing heavily down his cheeks.

“Eren, what happened?” 

Eren stood up uncertainly, but his gaze had lost all of its vulnerability, “nothing fucking happened. I’ll pay you back for the damages, okay, bastard?”

“You did this?”

“Got a problem, Jean-bo?”

He did actually, and not just that he had no idea where he was supposed to sleep tonight, Jean was actually, full out, 100% concerned about Eren. He just couldn’t admit it out loud to the idiot. So, instead, he replied, “Yeah! I do. Some fucking idiot, bastard, dumbass just destroyed all my shit! That’s my problem!”

“Why don’t you just request a new roommate, then?” Eren returned with such intense anger that Jean actually took a step back. The brunet also looked shocked for a second, but then he seemed to collect himself. 

“I’m not kidding this time, Jean. Get a new roommate.” 

Eren left as Jean tried not to freak out too much. The two of them had joked about requesting new roommates a lot their first year, but they had always been joking. Eren and Jean were the only two from their highschool that had enrolled in Alabama State. They were friends, no matter how much they acted like the opposite. Jean hadn’t really thought that would change anytime soon, but he guessed he was wrong. 

He glanced around the room before catching a glimpse of his laptop. It was tucked safely under their bed. As soon as his fingers wrapped around it, he was opening the school’s home page. 

Jean had to ask for a new roommate now. After all, Eren hadn’t been joking. Jean actually teared up as he sent off the request forms. He really had thought they were better friends than this, but Eren always managed to surprise him. 

Water droplets hit Jean’s hands that were still carefully placed on his keyboard. As he cried for the first time in months, Jean briefly wondered where exactly Eren had gone. He still couldn’t help but worry about the guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the earliest chapter in the series, not counting unplanned interludes and flashbacks, so it’s really important! i’m super excited to hear what you think! please leave your thoughts and hopes in the form of comments and kudos! 
> 
> i love you all!!!!  
<3 <3 <3


	4. interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren might not think about his fans, but they’re thinking about him. 
> 
> (eight months after the accident)

ii.x

(obb) BBFO

“It’s been eight months since the Jaguars released Eren Jaeger, it’s also been eight months since we’ve heard anything about the guy, and suddenly he’s spotted with the pitching legend himself, Levi Ackermann?”

“I don’t know what’s going on, Jen, but we’re going to talk about it-“

“On this week’s episode of ‘(our boy better) Bat or Back the Fuck Off’!”

A short theme song sounded as images and clips of famous baseball games from the past ten years pass across the screen.

“I’m Jennifer Jacques as most of you already know. For today’s guest I have baseball expert, Krista Starke! She’s going to help us try and unfold the enigma of the episode- famed rookie Eren Jaeger! We’re happy to have you here, Starke.”

“I’m happy to be here, Jen! Let’s start off with what we know for sure. Jaeger started his first college baseball season around two years ago. That first season, he actually started off playing center. The Jags aren’t particularly known for a strong outfield, so when this young kid came along with an arm like that, obviously they were going to place him where he could do the most good.”

“But didn’t he join the team with the intention to become their official pitcher? After all, that’s what he played in highschool. And he was good, even then!”

A short montage of pictures and videos much like the intro played, however, this time it featured the young player-in-question’s highschool baseball career.

“You’re right about that, but you forgot one thing, Jen! The Jags already had their star pitcher at the time. This guy,” a picture of a blonde grinning at the press flashed on the screen, “was their pitcher for three years straight, so I’m sure Pixis didn’t want to chance a dynamic change by switching pitchers on a dime like that. Of course, Jaeger was okay with waiting till the senior left to pitch. He played center instead, and he played it well…”

“Up until #23, T. Wagner, was involved in a drug scandal. Then the Jags were left with an opening that Jaeger was more than happy to fill, right?”

“Exactly! Pixis was at a loss with Wagner being expelled, so he turned to the most experienced pitcher he had- which was, of course, Eren Jaeger.”

“Our mystery boy of the week.”

“Exactly. Now, after that late season switch up, everyone expected the Jags to start losing games that they would’ve won previously, but instead! The opposite happened. 18 year old, rookie pitcher Eren Jaeger led the Jaguars through their best end season of all time winning every single game he pitched. Sadly, the Jags lost two of their big hitters right around playoffs, and ended up losing right before championship qualification.”

“Are you saying that without them losing those two, #’s 16 and 11, Eren might just have bagged a title for the Jags in his first year?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, Jen. Eren Jaeger was the best thing that happened to the Jaguars. He was exactly what they needed. Unfortunately, Coach Dot Pixis was not exactly what Eren Jaeger needed.”

“And how is that, Krista?”

“As so many young athletes do, Jaeger struggled with overwork and overly strict dieting that ends up doing more harm than good. It’s up to the coach to recognize the signs. Pixis has been coaching for 36 years. If he can’t even tell when his star player is struggling, he doesn't deserve to reach his 37th.”

“And that’s where Eren’s injury comes into play, right?”

“Yes, Jaeger overworked his elbow causing common enough muscle and tendon strain. That is when Pixis should’ve stepped in. Really, he should have talked to Jaeger before that, but I’ll give him this concession- sometimes players try their damndest to keep pain from their coaches. Once Eren actually showed symptoms of one of the most common baseball injuries, Pixis should have stepped in. There’s no way he couldn’t have noticed.”

“Obviously, Pixis didn’t step in, though? If Eren kept on like he was anyway, Pixis couldn’t have stepped in.”

“Exactly. Without needed intervention, Jaeger continued on his destructive path, and eventually the inevitable came to pass. During one of the most important matches of the season, against the Titans, his elbow gave out in the worst possible way. He tore his UCL.”

“I’ve definitely heard about that. A torn UCL doesn’t usually heal on its own, and it was once thought to be a career ending injury.”

“Until the revolutionary Tommy John surgery.”

“I know! I know. So, Eren went for the surgery, right?”

“Yup! Like any young baseball player, Jaeger wouldn’t just give up his career for something that could, in fact, possibly be fixed up better than it was before!”

“So, after that, he stayed in the hospital for around a week. When he was released, Jaeger was informed that he had been released from the team due to unreleased disciplinary issues. After that, he basically dropped off the side of the baseball world.”

“Until like a week ago! When he was photographed in a park down in South Alabama, sitting on a picnic bench across from THE Levi Ackermann. What could this mean?”

“There are two situations that I can think of.”

“What are they? I’m so curious to hear what an actual expert thinks on the subject.”

“One- Levi heard about Eren’s injury, felt for/related to him, and wanted to support him. The other, much more interesting, theory I have is a bit controversial.”

“And that is?” She leaned forward in her chair, excitement clear on her face.

“I think Ackermann wants to take a chance and sign the young pitcher to his team.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter came to be because i really wanted to have a little glimpse at Eren’s future, and i’m having difficulties writing the chapter that follows anger.... lmao...
> 
> it was super fun tho!! i hope you like it!!!


	5. Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope is a thing with feathers, but it is also a thing with talons. Talons that rip right through you as hope is yanked away so soon after it perches.
> 
> (two weeks after the accident)

iii.

Eren had never hated the stares of strangers as much as he did right then, and he kind of hated himself for that. He knew that they had no idea what had really caused him to disappear for another week after his accident, after his surgery. The only one who really knew the whole story was Eren. 

He supposed Jean could have spread word that Eren had finally gone psycho and trashed their room, but he doubted even Jean would do something that douchey. Even after what Eren had said to him. 

Eren’s hands clenched in his pockets. He didn’t take his eyes off the pavement in front of him. The brunet slowed his pace and started shaking ever so slightly. It wasn’t really noticeable to onlookers, but Eren just knew that they knew. He felt their stares. Their pity. Their disappointment. 

After he had destroyed Jean and his shared dorm, Eren had walked himself to the local hospital. He knew he’d strained his arm in his anger, and he wanted to be sure it would still heal alright. (Though, full recovery didn’t really matter anymore, a voice whispered to him in a tone that was creepily similar to Pixis’s confident Game Talk voice, it’s not like he would get to pitch again even if it did.)

Eren remembered the call he’d been forced to take when he was admitted to the ‘psych ward’. The doctor and nurse had been concerned for his mental health after his outburst, so they wanted to keep him under watch for a week. Eren didn’t have the energy to refuse, so when they handed him the phone, he resigned himself to expect the worst.

“Eren! What’s going on?” Mikasa sounded worried, and when she was worried, he was definitely in trouble. The hospital must have told her what had just happened. After all, she was his emergency contact.

Eren pulled the phone from his ear and sighed deeply. He shifted uncomfortably in the crappy hospital regulation chair. He hated making Mikasa worry, but right now he didn’t really have the energy to listen to one of Mikasa’s patented ‘why are you being so stupid?’ lectures, so he tiredly asked, “can we not do this right now?”

“Eren! You’re in the hospital on suicide watch- we need to talk about this. I know that losing your scholarship is-“

“No, you don’t. You haven’t lost your scholarship. You haven’t lost your passion in life. You have no right to be telling me how to handle this because you don’t have any more experience than I do!” Instantly, Eren felt ashamed. Mikasa was just concerned, and now he’s gone and yelled at her for it.

“Eren, I just-“

“Just leave it, Mikasa. We can talk after I’m released, okay?”

Mikasa huffed before seemingly resigning, “alright, Eren. But you have to promise you’ll call me, okay?”

“I promise, ‘Kasa.”

After that call had ended, Eren went through the motions for the rest of the day, the week even, until he was eventually allowed to leave the hospital. And that led him to where he was now: walking through the main courtyard, catching almost everyone staring at him. 

Eren glared at the concrete that disappeared underneath his feet with every step. Even trying to block out all the other students wasn’t helping. He could still feel their stares even as he carefully avoided every crack in the pavement that he noticed. The stares kindled a familiar emotion in Eren’s gut: shame. 

He could actually feel the other students’ pity, even with the wide berth everyone was giving him. It seemed to carry across the distance perfectly fine.

The walk back to his dorm had never felt that long before. Part of Eren fucking hated how long it was taking, but another part was secretly happy because the longer it took, the longer he could avoid facing what he had done to the dorm and what he had said to Jean. 

Either way, Eren did eventually make it back to his dorm. The door was locked, so he gently twisted the key and pushed the door open. Quickly, he shut his eyes. Eren didn’t want to see what he knew he would. He knew when he opened his eyes he’d see destruction… but also a bareness that hadn’t been there before. Without Jean’s things to fill his side of the room, it wouldn’t really be the same.

Eren cursed fitfully in his head. If he had just never opened his fucking mouth, Jean wouldn’t have left. Well, Eren didn’t technically know if Jean had left or not because his eyes still weren’t open. They were clamped shut which probably meant that some part of Eren was still hopeful. Some part of Eren was whispering that Jean was his friend, and he wouldn’t abandon him over something like that- over something that Eren couldn’t entirely control.

Suddenly, a burst of hope burned through the apprehension. Jean _ was _ his friend, Eren thought, and he _ wouldn’t _ just abandon him. His eyes jerked open. He took in the room in one sweeping glance. 

A crushing weight slammed into his chest. Hope is a thing with feathers, but it is also a thing with talons. Talons that rip right through you as hope is yanked away so soon after it perches.

Jean’s things were gone. Everything was cleaned up. The neatness made everything hurt so much more, so much worse, because it meant that Jean had still cared about him, enough to fix/pick up all of his things, but Eren had pushed him away. Forced him to leave. 

It was all Eren’s fault. He was so, so sorry. He sank into an unsteady crouch in the doorway. Heavy breaths ran throughout his frame. Slowly, dry sobs surfaced, followed by not-so-dry sobs. 

This was it. No baseball. No Jean. No Mikasa (he didn’t want to worry her anymore than he already had). Armin didn’t even know what was going on. Eren hadn’t talked to Armin since the beginning of his season. That was on him. 

It was all on him. Eren was ashamed of himself.

It was a long time before his eyes finally dried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment if you have questions!!! i’m gonna keep this note short so-
> 
> -we’re halfway there!!!!! (OOOO LIVING ON A PRAYER)
> 
> -next chapter will be out soon! it’s already done, i just need to post it
> 
> -next chapter title is Aching
> 
> -i love you guys!!!!


	6. Aching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a sparkle in the little boy’s eye that reminded Eren of himself when he used to watch Levi Ackermann strikeout batter after batter.
> 
> (two months after the accident)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short chapter today! hope y’all like it, i think it’s sad... but in a different way than the rest of the fic? anyway, i hope you enjoy it! if you do, actually- even if you don’t, plz leave a comment if you have time!!! concrit is okay!

iv.

Scrubbing tables at two o’clock wasn’t how Eren had pictured himself making money in college when he was a kid. He’d imagined a contract. One small piece of paper with one huge meaning. He never really thought about getting a part time job. It was always sort of unnecessary in his ‘Game Plan’. 

Eren had strived to make it to college with a full ride athletic scholarship, play baseball professionally for most, if not all, of his twenties, and then become a small time doctor at his very own clinic just like his father. He’d probably get married or something somewhere in there too, but that wasn’t as important to the plan. 

His friends from highschool had always been slightly shocked by his life plan, his ‘Game Plan’, but they all believed in him by the time he was accepted to the University of South Alabama. They all believed he would make his dreams a reality. And… Eren had let them down, hadn’t he?

He was a failure. Eren Jaeger, the man with the ‘Game Plan’, the most well known kid in his entire school, the captain of the baseball team, the president of the drama club, the straight a student, was cleaning tables for a wage that couldn’t possibly pay for his weekly groceries, his college savings for next year, and give him enough extra cash to finally pay Jean back for the fancy ass bluetooth speaker and lamp he had utterly destroyed and definitely still felt guilty about. It was pathetic. 

He actually wasn’t even bad at the whole scrubbing tables, dealing with fucking annoying customers, cleaning bathrooms thing. He really wasn’t. Eren was actually great with people most of the time; he was charming and confident on the outside. He was also weirdly good at cleaning, and that just made the whole thing worse. 

It made it seem like this was where he was always going to end up: working everyday of the week except Sunday and Monday and being generally miserable even when he wasn’t. It was a sobering thought, not that he could really afford to get drunk in the first place, Eren thought with a snort. 

The table was spotless, he noted as he removed his hand from its surface. It reflected quite well, and Eren received a perfect view of how he looked right now. His hair was a bit too long, his shoulders were a bit too slumped, and his eyes were a bit too sunken. He looked, in one word, devastated. He felt, in one word, unmotivated. Or maybe useless was better? No, not quite. His boss loved him; he could clean bathrooms like no one else. 

He didn’t look like how he should. Eren Jaeger was successful. He was a MLB prospect. He was everything that this Eren wasn’t anymore. His friends back home probably wouldn’t even recognize him like this. They would probably ask ‘where’s the camera‘, and ‘is this a joke’. At this point, he didn’t recognize himself, so how could he ever expect anyone else to-

“Hey, mister! Are you Eren Jaeger? The Eren Jaeger?”

Eren glanced up from the table, and his dreary thoughts, to meet the gaze of what seemed to be a ten year old child. He was grinning broadly at something, and it took Eren a second to realize that that something was _ him _. He was so shocked that he was called out that he didn’t actually respond. 

“Oh? Are you not Eren Jaeger? I’m so sorry, mister! I really thought you were- you look exactly like him!”

“No, you were right. I’m Eren Jaeger, do I know you?” He asked as a small smile fell onto his lips. The kid was adorable, and Eren just wanted to not completely screw this up.

“No! But I know you!” 

“Oh?” Eren questioned playfully as he crouched closer to the kid’s eye level, internally though, apprehension was shaking out its wings in preparation for flight, “and how do you know me?”

The boy looked shocked that his knowledge was questioned as if it was obvious how he knew Eren. It actually kinda was, Eren would think long after the interaction had ended, long after. 

“Well! You’re the best upcoming college baseball star pitcher! You’re also my absolute favorite baseball player of all time! I can’t wait for your next season with the Jags! I haven’t been able to see any of this season ‘cause my mom and dad are split- ah! I didn't mean to say that! You didn’t hear that, okay?”

Eren nodded, and his black tennis shoes squeaked against the floor as he repositioned himself in front of this kid who must not have heard about his injury or else he definitely wouldn’t be excited about Eren. He would be disappointed. Eren then promised the kid, “I won’t tell.”

“Awesome! Anyway! I haven’t seen any of the current season games, but I heard the Jags finally beat the Titans, and it was all ‘cause of you! I really wanna see that game!” There was a sparkle in the little boy’s eye that reminded Eren of himself when he used to watch Levi Ackermann strikeout batter after batter. Eren couldn’t dare break this kid’s dreams like that.

“Yeah, I was totally the one who decided the winner of that game. I won it basically single handedly. I struck out batter after batter! You’ll get to see it one day, I promise you.” The kid laughed at the over dramatic tone Eren put on, and smiled shyly. 

Carefully he pulled the hat off his head, and that’s when Eren noticed it was an Alabama Jaguars baseball cap. The boy bit his lip, and Eren couldn’t help but notice that gaps left by missing teeth, “will you sign it, mister Eren?”

“Sure, what’s your name?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment or kudos (or both?) down below! i hope this chapter didn’t disappoint... next chapter, which is the last main one, will be posted within the next two days! watch out for it y’all! i really appreciate everyone reading this! i love you guys <3 
> 
> *\\(^o^)/*
> 
> chapter title/sneak peek- 
> 
> Loneliness


	7. Loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only difference was that the apartment could be decorated. Eren couldn’t just put up some paintings in his soul and call it good. It wasn’t that easy.
> 
> (six months after the accident)

v.

Eren slowly folded the cardboard box’s flaps closed. A lot of what he did recently could only be described as slow, and briefly, he was hit by the reminder that the old Eren would never slow down like this. He couldn’t slow down. He had plans. And dreams. And... energy.

Finally, the situation seemed to sink in with an eerily familiar pop. Eren wasn’t really _ Eren _ anymore, was he? Not without baseball. Not without pitching. It was a realization he had been dreading and pushing away ever since his injury. 

But, as he left his old dorm room, Eren finally lost the strength. Leaving the room was accompanied by a gust of loneliness. As long as he was still in their shared dorm, some part of him was always hoping that Jean would walk in one day and move back for good. It wasn’t a realistic aspiration, but he couldn’t really help it. 

Suddenly though, that hope was crushed under foot as isolation came to call. Moving into an apartment was necessary for Eren to continue taking classes because he couldn’t live on campus anymore, but he hadn’t guessed it would be this detrimental to his will power. He hadn’t known how much he was still relying on the hope that Jean would come back and tell him to stop being a jackass and force Eren to let him help. 

In a daze, Eren walked to his apartment with his last box of possessions held closely. He was shocked when he came back to, and he was standing still in front of the door numbered 333, his new apartment. Eren honestly had no idea how he had made it up three flights of stairs in that state (maybe he had just taken the elevator), but he didn’t really care either way. 

As he opened the door to his tiny, one bedroom apartment, a sense of calm seeped into Eren’s mind. Without baseball he was nothing, but so what? Deep down, he already knew that. It didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact that acceptance was going to take that moment of vulnerability to strike. 

Eren smiled as he decided exactly what he had to do before acceptance managed to storm the castle. There was only a short period of time to do anything, so he had to act quick. Setting the box down carefully in the completely bare living room/kitchen, Eren pulled out his phone. Mikasa was on speed dial, so he called her first. 

She picked up on the second ring, “Eren? I told you to call as soon as you could! It’s been months! I had to ask Jean to find out if you were even alive!”

“I’m sorry,” Eren started softly, he easily ignored the comment about Jean, “I didn’t mean to make you freak out. How are you, ‘Kasa?”

“I’m okay, are you, though?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I just moved into a new apartment. I think I’m doing a lot better now.”

Mikasa choked quietly as if she were barely holding back tears, “I’m so happy. I’m so happy you’re okay, Eren. I was so, so worried. I- I thought you were going to leave me behind, Eren. Like my parents. Like your parents.”

Eren took a small breath as Mikasa sobbed in the background, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. That’s the last thing I want. Stop crying, Mikasa. Please? You’re happy, you said so yourself. You should act like it. I’ve got to go, I’m kind of short on time. I love you, ‘Kasa. See you.”

“I’ll try to stop,” she struggled to control her tear-ducts, “I need you to call me later, okay? I need to hear from you more. I love you, too, Eren. That’s why I always want to know how you are. So, call me. Please, Eren. Let me help you as much as you’ve helped me.”

“You’re not in my debt, Mikasa. Remember that. I love you, goodbye,” Eren carefully worded his sentences, so he wouldn’t promise anything he couldn’t actually do. Mikasa sniffed loudly and then quieted down for a long moment.

Finally, she spoke, “I love you, too. Bye, Eren. Remember to call me,” and she hung up before he had to give her another response. 

That had been harder than Eren had anticipated, but it was relieving in a way he hadn’t expected. It was like walking for miles, dragging an unbearably heavy dead weight the entire time, until you suddenly realize that you could have dropped the package at any point because it wasn’t actually important in any way that mattered, and after that, you drop it faster than you can blink, and you’re fifty pounds lighter.

Eren shifted on his feet as he found Armin’s contact. This might actually be harder than talking to Mikasa because... Eren knew that Mikasa cared. He knew that she would want that call more than anything. With Armin, well, there was more uncertainty. It had been so very long since he last talked to the blond. 

Eren knew that Armin still cared and suspected he always would without question. But- would Armin want to have anything to do with his issues now? Would calling him make it better or worse for his friend in the long run? 

Eren didn’t know the answers, but he knew that he needed to call Armin for his own sake. He sighed, and his shoulders slumped. Armin might not appreciate the call, but Eren was going to do it anyway. He hoped his friend would understand and forgive him eventually. 

Armin picked up on the third ring, “Hey! Eren, what’s up? I haven’t heard from you for so long! How are you?”

“I’m better,” Eren laughed breathily, a grin overtaking his face at the sound of the other’s voice- he had really missed Armin, “how about you?”

“Great! My classes are a bit rough, but my dissertation is really coming along! My advisor is very affable, too! He actually likes baseball a lot, so maybe I should introduce you two sometime!”

Eren tried to ignore the pang in his heart at the word baseball, but he responded easily enough, “Maybe. Sorry, man, but I’m a bit busy, so I have to hang up in a second. I just wanted to call because we haven’t talked for so long. I love you, dude.”

“Okay, Eren. You know I love you, too! Have a good day, but try to keep in touch better, alright?”

“Whatever you say, Ar. Bye-bye,” Eren knew he sounded a bit melancholy, but hopefully, it would be taken as nostalgia. 

Armin seemed to take it as that very thing, fortunately, “I miss you, too! Good bye, Eren!”

Eren hung up carefully. He glanced around the room and smiled sadly as he took in the bare walls. This apartment was kinda like him. It had the name, but it didn’t have any of the inner bits that actually made it a place to live- that made it a home. 

Eren was still _ technically _Eren Jaeger, but he was missing all of the inner personality parts and emotions that used to be so entwined with his identity. 

The only difference was that the apartment could be decorated. Eren couldn’t just put up some paintings in his soul and call it good. It wasn’t that easy. 

Well, at least Eren knew what he had to do now. He pulled himself together and turned his phone completely off. He didn’t want to be interrupted. Eren’s friends didn’t deserve to have his issues pushed on them. He didn’t want anyone to be more involved than they already were. He didn’t want them to try and help him.

(That was a lie. Eren did want someone to be involved, he _ did _ want someone to help him, he desperately wanted someone to tell him that this wasn’t the way it had to go- that this wasn’t his only option, but hope had already destroyed more than its fair share of him, and he wasn’t going to let it have another opportunity to do even more damage.)

This was the end, Eren thought with a smile as he stared at his phone’s black screen. It’d all be over soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s a wrap! 
> 
> ...just kidding! sort of... it’s actually a wrap of the main chapters, but not the whole thing. i'm so happy! there are only two more chapters planned (i must admit that i am very changeable though, so two is just a minimum, i guess?). 
> 
> if you have any questions or compliments (maybe?), leave a comment down below! 
> 
> so. prepare yourselves, ‘cause guess what- we’re in the end game now.


	8. a four letter word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Shut your mouth, you shitty brat,” Levi growled from his place on the ground behind Eren, “I’m going to ask some questions, and you’re going to give me some answers, okay?”
> 
> (six months after the accident)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was getting super long, sooooo i split it up? second half should be up within the next few days.
> 
> love y’all <3

+i

(part i)

Eren stared downward at the tumultuous waves of people below. It was a beautiful day. The sky was a glorious blue. The air was crisp- if a bit chilly. It was almost a shame to do something like what he had planned on a day like that. His legs dangling off the edge of the building, he guessed at how high up he was. 

It was sort of funny: all his life, Eren had been afraid of heights, but fear didn’t have any place in his heart now. He was probably 150 feet off the ground; falling from this height would definitely kill him. That’s what Eren wanted though- he wanted to die. Well, he didn’t _want_ to, but he did _have_ to. It was the only way he could retain any part of the old him. He had to end the battle before he couldn’t fight anymore, and this was his show stopping power move. His heavy attack. 

Eren laughed startling himself with the sudden noise. He was probably disassociating from reality. The fact that he could compare what he was about to do with a video game so easily had to be a sign that some part of him still hadn’t fully decided it was actually going to happen. Hadn’t fully figured out that this was his fate.

Eren kept laughing, but the sound became more hysterical as he went. Soon, the laughs turned to sobs. Eren gripped the gravel around his thighs and hunched over. The position wasn’t comfortable, but sitting on the roof of this building hadn’t exactly been comfortable in the first place, so it didn’t matter enough for him to sit up straight again. 

He released the gravel and hugged his torso tighter than he ever had before. When Eren realized that he could feel every single one of his ribs, he paused his cries in shock. He hadn’t really noticed that his strict meal plan had fallen apart after he left the hospital. Before the accident, everything he ate was recorded and calculated. He carefully balanced calories and workouts, so that he could maintain that perfect athletic weight.

Not too heavy, but not too light. If he didn’t eat enough, Eren would be utterly useless to Pixis, so he was always careful to keep to his food plan. He had really struggled with eating enough in high school. Eren had just wanted to be better, wanted to be the perfect straight A student, wanted to be a good drama club president, wanted to be the team captain as well as he could, and that had somehow translated to him wanting to eat as little as possible. 

At the time, he had a long list of reasons: eating took up time he could be spending studying or practicing or hanging out with his friends, and so on. But his senior year in March, he passed out from lack of sleep and malnutrition. The nurse who was on duty that day gave him a long winded speech about taking better care of himself, and she told him he couldn’t take part in club activities for a week because he needed recovery time.

Those seven days had been one of the worst things Eren had experienced at the time, so he had always been careful to eat just enough to avoid passing out again after the whole ordeal had ended. 

Eren supposed that he had lost the will to keep up with his strict eating schedule when he lost baseball. Thinking back on the last six or seven months, Eren could actually vaguely remember the day he stopped actually going on to get food. He only really ate a small breakfast at school when he had classes, otherwise, it was only when people offered him snacks at work. 

He hadn’t even realized he had regressed. Eren was actually doing worse with eating than he had been in highschool. Worse than that horrible stretch of time after his mom died and his father disappeared. The realization was disconcerting in a surprising way. Why did it bother Eren so much? Why did it matter how well he ate when he had no reason to stay healthy? No. That’s not quite right. 

Why did Eren care about falling into his old bad habits when he was about to kill himself which was surely a much bigger deal? He didn’t know the answer to that, so he just hugged himself tighter and tried to ignore the dripping feel of dread. Something wasn’t right with what he was about to do, but that didn’t matter. He had made up his mind. 

The old Eren Jaeger would have been proud of his determination to win, even if he would have been skeptical about this Eren’s methods. This was probably the only way to make old Eren proud. Not that it mattered all that much, he squeezed closer in on himself, that Eren was dead, and soon, this Eren would be too. 

Eren didn’t know how long he had been up there, but the sky was ever so slightly dimming, so it’d definitely been a while. He had climbed up there at eight o’clock in the morning: by breaking the rusted lock he had been able to easily get around the issue of restricted access to the door on the twelfth floor of his apartment building that led up to the roof. 

He didn’t know why he hadn’t jumped yet. He had just been thinking for so long. Everything hurt. His body was probably starting to eat itself if it hadn’t started already. Worst of all though, Eren was getting indecisive, so he got his legs underneath him slowly and stood up unsteadily. Again, he was slower than he used to be.

That reminder was what had him mentally steeling himself and stepping up to the edge of the building. His toes hung off ever so slightly, and he glanced at the street below him. The people felt alive in a way he hadn’t for so long. He leaned forward to see if he could tell what any of them were thinking- were feeling. 

Eren was so enamored with his thoughts that he didn’t hear the pop of an access door being opened behind him. He didn’t notice the sound of steps even as they stopped directly behind him. He entirely missed the snort of irritation and the huff of exasperation. 

Eren didn’t hear any of that because he had just barely gathered enough energy to push off the building and end it for good. He leaned forward even more. Just as he was going to finally take the plunge, an arm wrapped around his waist tighter than his own had earlier and yanked him backwards onto his ass. 

Eren was too shocked to say anything. All he could do was twist his upper body to look at whoever had just stopped him. He thought that seeing their face would tame the shock and replace it with anger, but he was wrong. Seeing who it was just made the shock a hundred times stronger because _Levi Ackermann_, his fucking _baseball idol_, had literally just pulled Eren back from the edge. 

“Shut your mouth, you shitty brat,” Levi growled from his place on the ground behind Eren, “I’m going to ask some questions, and you’re going to give me some answers, okay?”

Even though his tone had definitely made it clear that the sentence was an order and not a question, Eren still felt compelled to give him an answering nod and fully move his body to face the man. Levi was crouched down so that he was eye level with the still sort of crumpled and shocked Eren.

“Good. First question, are you, or are you not, Eren Jaeger?”

“I am,” he whispered. He knew his eyes were opened wide, but he couldn’t seem to make them return to normal. Eren also absentmindedly noted that he was shaking. All of him was ever so slightly vibrating. But that wasn’t the important thing. The big thing right now was _Levi Ackermann_ in front of him on the roof of Eren’s new apartment building after having stopped him from killing himself! He didn’t even stop freaking out to wonder how Levi had known his name.

“Okay, second question, were you actually planning to die just now, or were you so distracted by what was in your head that you didn’t notice how fucking close you were to the edge?”

Eren was tempted to lie, Levi didn’t need to hear about his problems, but some part of him would never accept lying to the Levi Ackermann, so he licked his lips and quietly replied, “The first one.”

“Why?” And Eren didn’t know how to answer that in actual words. It was just such a long coming decision that he didn’t even know if he could explain it to someone else, let alone his _idol_. Levi seemed to understand why he couldn’t respond as he stood up faster than Eren could register at the moment. 

He held his hand out to Eren, “come on, kid. I think you’re going to need a moment to calm down before I ask you anything else.”

Eren grabbed his hand lightly, he was still shocked and weak, but Levi had no trouble lifting him up anyway. Eren stumbled as Levi immediately started pulling him forward, but he managed to keep his feet under him and start walking after Levi without aid. He looked at the baseball legend pulling him along. Levi’s shoulders and back were tense. It wasn’t super noticeable, but Eren was actually rather observant when he wanted to be, and he didn’t exactly have anything to take his attention away from Levi. Eren wondered why exactly he was tense. Was he worried? Or was he annoyed that he had to deal with Eren now? Probably the latter, but Eren would take all the attention and distraction he could get. He _had _almost died after all. 

(Even if it would have been his decision- his fault that it happened.)


	9. Levi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you saying?”
> 
> “If you’re willing to make the effort to get back to playing shape, there’s a place for you on my team. I don’t care how long recovery takes you. As long as you put in the effort, I’ll give you rewards every fucking day, alright?”
> 
> (six months after the accident)

+i

(part ii)

It took a good ten minutes to make it down to the first floor of the building. The elevator actually stalled for so long that Eren had been tempted to offer that they go the rest of the way down by stairs, but that idea was quickly vetoed as Eren noticed how little energy he actually had left. So, they stood there in front of the elevators in silence. Levi was holding his hand in a simultaneously iron tight and baby soft grip. It was like he was making sure Eren couldn’t go back to the roof and finish what he had started. Yet, he was also making sure he didn’t hurt him. 

Eren just let it all happen as he felt more and more drained. This was too much. All of this was way too much after all those months of nothing. It was all happening way too fast for someone who had been going so slow for so long. It was all too new for him when he had spent such a long period doing the same thing day after day. 

When Levi finally decided on a place to go, Eren was pushed down into a booth in the far corner of a small restaurant. It was isolated and had an odd sense of happiness weaved into its atmosphere. Eren wondered what exactly Levi was going to say if he needed all this privacy to do it.

Levi sat down across from him. Eren met his eyes for exactly one second before glancing down to the table. He inspected his hands so that he wouldn’t need to look at Levi at all. Eren’s fingers were thinner than he remembered which made sense because he apparently hadn’t really been eating for the past six-ish months. He didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed if the signs were this obvious. 

Levi must have noticed his darkening thoughts, and he took that opportunity to speak up, “I’m not going to make you tell me why. That’s not exactly an easy question, and you should only tell people when you’re ready. However, that doesn’t mean I’m just going to call it good and leave you here by yourself so that you can just try again.”

“Why not?”

“Brat, I wasn’t done. I’m not going to do that because I’ve seen the same thing happen to other people. I get what you’re going through, and even excluding what I just stopped you from doing, I can tell that you’re suffering.”

Eren stiffened, and he pulled his hands off the table and back into his lap. Even though he could guess the answer, he couldn’t help but ask, “how can you tell?”

“Your eyes, they reflect everything you think, kid. If you think you’re capable of keeping anything a secret, you’re deluding yourself,” Levi said it in a completely serious way, but he was obviously meaning for it to lighten Eren’s mood. It had the opposite effect of reminding Eren that Pixis hadn’t noticed that he wasn’t telling him the truth about his health. At the flash of panic in Eren’s eyes, Levi added, “it’s not your fault. What happened, it’s not your fault.”

“Can we not talk about this?” Eren whispered as he attempted to glare the table into submission. 

Levi shifted in a way that made it obvious he definitely wanted to talk about it, but he relented easily enough. With a sigh, he asked, “do you want to know why I showed up when I did?”

Eren blinked as he went over their interaction thus far and discovered that he _ didn’t _ know why Levi had shown up, “Yeah. How did you know I would be up there? Why do you know my name? Why are-“ he cut himself off as he started to choke on the questions. 

Levi steadied himself and waited for Eren to look at him, “I saw you. From the street. I was walking around looking for this building, but I was lost. I’m actually not all that great at directions. But I looked up hoping for something to tell me where the fuck I was supposed to be, and saw you. A figure just sitting on the top of a building like a king, or a god, just watching his land’s inhabitants move. But then, you bent forward, and I could tell that you were going to do something… regrettable if I didn’t stop you.

“I went into the building, and I climbed up the stairs as fast as I could because some part of me knew that if I took too long, it’d be over. When I saw the broken lock, I just went faster. I thought you would turn around as soon as you heard the door open, but you didn’t. And suddenly you were falling forward, so I had to grab you. That was when I recognized you.”

Eren jerked in his seat, but he could tell that wasn’t all of it, so he didn’t say anything.

“Eren Jaeger- about to throw everything away, and all I could think was, ‘somehow, I have to help him.’ That’s why I’m here.”

“I just have two questions,” Eren spoke slowly. Bone deep weariness was audible in every word, “why are you in Alabama? You coach the Twins, so why are you down south? And- how do you know me? I dropped out of baseball, and I never actually went pro.”

“Those two tie into each other,” Levi crossed his arms and set them on the table. He leaned forward to make eye contact with Eren, “I know you because my sponsors were all very excited over you. A star pitcher that’s frequently compared to me? Of course, they wanted you. I was inclined to agree with them. You’re the kind of player we need, but when your elbow injury happened, the sponsors kind of lost steam. They were intimidated by the lengthy recovery time. But they don’t understand the way I do. I know you can recover, I know you’ll come back better than ever, and I know that you would never let your team down.”

“What are you saying?”

“If you’re willing to make the effort to get back to playing shape, there’s a place for you on my team. I don’t care how long recovery takes you. As long as you put in the effort, I’ll give you rewards every fucking day, alright?”

A pause of silence. Eren was frozen in his seat.

“Hey, shitty brat? Did you hear me?”

“Yes..?” Eren whispered, his eyes were still wider than they’d ever been, but his lips were starting to twitch up into a smile, “Yes! Yes, I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

“Call my friend, they’ll help you out, okay? You need to recover in more ways than one,” Levi passed Eren a glossy card. The brunette gently took it from his hands and looked it over.

“A life coach?” Eren tilted his head.

Levi nodded once, “That’s their official title, at least. They’re also an expert nutritionist and personal trainer.”

Eren’s eyebrows scrunched at the slight reminder of his utter failure. His fingers gripped tighter on the card, and it just barely started bending. He released it immediately, and it softly fell to the table. 

“They’re probably also going to recommend a therapist,” Levi said bluntly. He then gave Eren a considering glance, “if they give you the go ahead, and you follow through with a doctor, then you can call me, and I’ll have a plane flying out within an hour.”

“Oh,” Eren whispered as Levi gave him another card. This one was embossed with the older man’s credentials and contact information. 

“Now, I’m going to walk you, or drive you, to a friend’s house or apartment or dorm. You just tell me where to go.”

“What? Why can’t you just walk me home?” Eren was actually starting to sound a little indignant which made Levi smile ever so slightly.

“Because you shouldn’t be alone right now. So, you can either stay in this restaurant all night, or you can call a friend and ask if you can bunk with them.”

Eren whispered something that Levi couldn’t quite catch.

“What?”

“I said, ‘none of my friends that would be willing to let me stay with them live in Alabama.’ My sister lives in Wisconsin, and my best friend goes to school in Pennsylvania.”

“Didn’t you have a roommate at some point? Can’t you call them?”

Eren shifted uncomfortably, “He wouldn’t want to talk to me. I haven’t seen him in six months, and the last time I did, I was a total dick.”

“Was he your friend?”

“Yeah,” Eren choked out roughly.

Levi pulled his arms back to his sides and leaned into the seat. He blinked. Steadily, he said, “then he’ll be happy to hear from you. I promise you. No matter what you did, if you apologize, he’ll forgive you.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do. I have a few friends like that myself,” with those words, Levi blinked again and nodded to himself, ''Now, I’m going to go shit, so you better make a call while I’m gone, okay?”

“Okay,” Eren croaked. He casually straightened his olive green sweater, and his hands smacked down onto his thighs when he was done. His fingers dug into his dark jeans, and wow, he hadn’t noticed before, but there was a huge tear in the inner seam of these jeans. Maybe he should get them fixed? Or should he just b- and he was stalling. Eren was totally stalling because he was scared. He was scared of how Jean would react. Would he be angry? Would he be relieved? Would he be indifferent? That was Eren’s secret fear- that Jean wouldn’t care either way because Eren didn’t matter to him anymore. 

And that’s not a fair thought because it wasn’t even Jean’s fault that they hadn’t spoken! It was Eren’s! Eren was the one that made him switch rooms. Eren was the one who never picked up his phone calls until eventually Jean stopped trying. Eren was the one who never responded to his texts until eventually Jean didn’t send them anymore. It was all Eren, so he had no reason to be freaking out. Jean was the one he should be worried about. Not himself. 

With that thought, Eren took the plunge and pulled his phone out of his pocket. The old Eren Jaeger would never let fear stop him from accomplishing his goals, so maybe this Eren could take a page from his book? As the phone turned on, he had a few seconds to rethink. Maybe… this wasn’t so great of an idea? No! Old Eren Jaeger followed through. This Eren should follow through as well. 

It took him a few seconds to find Jean’s number, and another couple to actually click the call button instead of just hovering slightly above. The four rings it took for Jean to answer felt like an eternity, and Eren almost ended the call twice. 

“...Eren?” And Eren had no fucking clue what to say. ‘Sorry’? He was, but that wasn’t enough, was it? ‘I miss you’? That was also true, but it still didn’t seem good enough. In his panic, Eren released a short squeak of noise, but he said nothing. 

“Is this some kind of joke?” And Jean sounded mad. What do I do, Eren wondered frantically, how do I say everything at once?

“Jean-bo. I- I have this feeling that I need more horse in my life. Would you be willing to help me out?” He panicked. Eren just said the first thing that came to mind. It didn’t even make sense! 

But. It kind of did. To Jean it did, at least.

“Fucking dumbass,” he sighed loudly, “wanna meet in our old dorm?”

“I moved out,” Eren gulped, “So… it’s probably been given away.”

“Not quite because… well, officially, it’s not empty? I never actually finished filing for a new room. I just moved into Marco’s apartment. I figured you might be willing to let me come back if I gave you some time to cool down. Granted, I didn’t think it would take _ six months _…” 

Oh no. Eren was crying. Again. How was he even hydrated enough to cry even more? Still, he was laughing through the tears, “I’m sorry, Jean. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have told you to get a new roommate. I didn’t mean it.”

“I figured,” Jean said with the same smug-ass tone, but there was a sliver of something more… something deeply relieved. Satisfied. Content. 

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes, Horse-Face.”

“I’m counting on it, idiot.”

And all Eren could do was smile as he hung up. If talking to Mikasa and Armin yesterday for what he had thought would be the last time had been relieving, this was like getting a fucking spa day after weeks spent stranded in the desert. 

“You got a place to stay now?” Levi asked as he rounded the corner. His eyebrow was raised, and he was obviously asking a question, but Eren had a feeling he already knew the answer. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do,” Eren turned his smile to Levi, and the older man ever so slightly softened at the sight, “will you walk me to my apartment to pick up my stuff, and then bring me to the South Alabama campus?”

“Sure. But you better not get my car dirty, brat.”

“I would never,” and for the first time in six months, Eren actually, genuinely, grinned. It felt like he was slowly pulling the old Eren back from wherever the hell he’d been before. Except, not exactly? Because this new Eren had all new experiences. This new Eren was parts of the old Eren and chunks of the sad Eren smashed together. 

It was the Eren that would shape up. It was the Eren that realized how badly he fucked up his friendships. It was the Eren that was finally beginning to understand how badly he handled losing baseball. And it was the Eren that was prepared to work his ass off to get on _the_ Levi Ackerman’s pro baseball team. 

That was who he was now. All he had to do was keep moving forward. Keep away from the wall. Keep fucking running because the door at the end of the hallway might be closed, but maybe he’d find another. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmmmm, that’s it. that’s the last OFFICIAL chapter. 
> 
> <3
> 
> however! it’s not quite over yet!  
*\\(^o^)/*  
there will be another interluding chapter titled ‘Love’ and an epilogue. these are both extra, they are not necessary. i consider this story TECHNICALLY complete, but i still plan on adding more!


	10. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hurry up and heal, kid. I can’t wait for you to join my team.”
> 
> “Don’t doubt me, Captain! I’ll be ready to go before you know it.”
> 
> And that was that.
> 
> (it’s after, but eren’s trying to stop thinking of things in relation to his... accident)

+i.v

Eren took a deep breath. Bottom of the ninth. Two outs. And two strikes on the batter that Eren decided would be the third. His shoulders were loose. A glance to the side told him exactly what he wanted to know. Levi was there- watching Eren more intensely than anyone ever had before. It was times like this that Eren realized how lucky he was. Levi was literally the best coach he could’ve asked for, and he _hadn’t_ _even_ _asked_. Levi had just shown up and decided that Eren was going to play for his team better than he’d ever played for the Jaguars.

And he was _ right _ . This was the most important game of the season. _ The championship game _ . The _ final inning _ of the _ championship game _. And yet, Eren felt calmer than he’d ever been before. 

Yeah, Eren thought as he pulled his focus back to the batter before him, he was lucky. But… he was also _ Eren fucking Jaeger _ . None of this would’ve been possible if Eren hadn’t worked so hard in the first place. So, sure, he _ was _ lucky, but not everything that happened was caused by luck. It was work done by him and his coach. His friend. His probably-more-than-a-coach-or-a-friend… Well, whatever he was to Eren, he was _ the _ baseball legend himself: _the_ _Levi Ackermann _. And with someone like that on your side, why would you even need luck?

-

After Levi had talked Eren down from the edge, _ literally _, the man had been pretty hands off about the whole thing. He didn’t really check in with Eren much. He had flown back to Minnesota the very next day. However, he had never seemed exactly… uncaring? If that made sense. Because, despite the radio silence, some part of Eren knew that, if he called, Levi would be there for him no matter what.

That was enough for Eren to start getting his shit together. Support was all it really took. Just someone punching him in the gut (metaphorically) and forcing Eren to let them help him. It was odd how that worked. Within the space of twenty four hours, Eren had gone from wanting to kill himself to wanting to somehow recover enough, mentally and physically, to play baseball again. Levi had given him a golden opportunity _ and _ the silent emotional backing needed to achieve it. 

That first night back at the dorms was something he still remembered crystal clear. Eren could almost feel how the glossy card had slid between his fingers as he waited for Jean. The five minutes it had taken the other student to arrive Eren spent thinking about everything that had happened. The business card was the main focus of his attention. It read: Dr. Hanji Zoe - Life Coach - Rochester, MN. The back was just as minimalistic as the front. It had two phone numbers printed out neatly side by side. A business and a casual. The latter had been carefully penned by someone with much better handwriting than Eren himself.

Originally, Eren had been confused as to how he was supposed to afford a life coach. He was barely making enough to support himself. Even with the cost of rent removed… how was he supposed to pay someone to basically hang around him every single day just to make sure he didn’t majorly fuck up again?

That was the moment a pair of navy Vans had entered his line of sight. Eren had been terrified of looking up. Scared that everything was going to go back to how it was when he stood on the final precipice, so he stayed hunched over his knees with the high shine business card held tightly between his fingers. Fortunately, Jean had quickly taken in his shock stiff shoulder blades and decided to do Eren a favor. 

With blink-and-you-miss-it speed, Jean had kicked Eren’s shin, and before he could do anything to react other than flinching in mild pain, the ever so slightly younger, young adult had crouched down to meet his eyes. Jean’s had been rimmed with red and glossy as hell, and Eren had wondered if that was why he had beaten the other man when technically Jean had been closer, the guy had probably taken a moment to cry it all out. 

Guilt tore at Eren’s stomach, but the look in Jean’s eyes wouldn’t let him glance away. It was so incredibly soft, but it was tinged with the steel that Eren had always associated with his friend. Jean had then surprised both of them by wrapping his arms around Eren and squeezing. They had never hugged before. They were way more likely to punch each other than give actual physical affection, but that only made the effect of the contact even more noticeable. 

Eren had brought his arms up to hug his friend back, and they stayed like that for a while. It was only as the two pulled away that Eren realized Jean had been crying the entire time, and Jean realized how _ thin, _ how _ unhealthy, _his friend looked at that moment. It made both ache in a way they never had before (or maybe they had, and they had just gone right ahead and brushed it off- that was the kind of person both of them were). It was a silent and powerful moment. 

Jean had ended it as he sniffled once and said, “You look pathetic, idiot. You should have told me earlier if you missed me _ that _ much.” 

And, despite all the words being infused with sarcasm and light humor, Eren knew that Jean wasn’t lying. He really would have come as soon as Eren called. In response, Eren had just grinned and smacked Jean’s shoulder with a softly added, “I know. Thank you, Jean-bo.”

That night wasn’t something easily forgotten. Jean had forced Eren to tell him at least some of what happened, and by the time Eren was finished talking, it was well past midnight, and neither could manage any more tears. The next morning, Jean had shaken him awake and practically called the life coach’s number himself. Of course, at that point, Eren had relented and agreed to call, so that Jean wouldn’t. 

Jean had given him a suspicious look and added, “Damn right, you will. But only after we get breakfast.”

And Eren had nothing to say to that, so he simply nodded in resignation and followed his friend to the cafeteria he hadn’t been in for practically months. It was an odd moment, but Eren survived. He had to start gaining back some of the weight he had lost, but Eren also had to be careful not to eat too much, or he would get sick, and that would make the whole thing a fruitless venture.

When he finally dialed the number and called Dr. Hanji two hours later, they cleared the entire money thing up. They were willing to help him for free. It was a favor to Levi, and Hanji didn’t mind at all- they themselves waved it off with a short, ‘I’m loaded already, I don’t need even more money’. So, before Eren knew it, Hanji was flying out to Alabama. They rented an apartment by his college, and tasked him with finishing his current classes. That was, as they said, the first step. 

It hadn’t exactly been easy, but school wasn't ever easy for Eren, so that hadn’t been new. Eren had always needed to work to get good grades, and that didn’t change with age. Eventually though, he had finished, and Hanji had made him come over to their apartment to celebrate. Jean came too. 

Eren smiled as he remembered that night. It had been a sort of turning point for him. A mark of achievement, he supposed. It was like the halfway line in a race he only just realized he was running. After that day, he had moved out of the dorms and in with Hanji. They didn’t say anything specific, but Eren had been able to tell they were pleased. 

It took a lot more out of him to try to fix his head than fixing his body ever had, or, he suspected, ever would. Maybe that was why Hanji had basically forced him to move into their apartment. They knew that he wasn’t ready to be alone yet. 

It had taken months for Eren to get the all clear. Months of intensive therapy. Of both kind. Yet, the moment Hanji finally relented and gave him the okay to play baseball again, Eren was honestly a little nervous. 

He had only seen Levi once in all those months, and even then, it had only been for a few hours. The man was in the area for some convention thing that Levi refused to elaborate on, so he had dropped by to pay Eren a visit. The two had ended up escaping Hanji and his apartment. They had wandered into a calm park that was seemingly deserted. Levi had looked him over and smiled gently at whatever he saw. 

They sat on a bench and stayed there for hours. They didn’t talk the whole time, but the silences never got uncomfortable. Eventually, Levi informed him that he had a meeting in an hour, and he had to start heading over. At that, the two stood and both smiled in their own ways. Before walking away towards where his car was no doubt parked, Levi shot off a quick, “Hurry up and heal, kid. I can’t wait for you to join my team.”

“Don’t doubt me, Captain! I’ll be ready to go before you know it.”

And that was that. 

Eren would do anything to make Levi proud of him. To make the other man trust and depend on him. He’d do whatever it took. And he _ did _. 

Each day was a challenge. Sometimes, Eren was up for it, and sometimes... he wasn’t. Sometimes, waking up and eating breakfast was the easiest part of the day. Sometimes, it was the hardest. On those days, he layed in bed until his phone rang. 

It was always one of three people calling him. The first being Hanji. Hanji Zoe was more than just his life coach/nutritionist. At this point, they were one of his best friends. They had helped him through the last six months. From the start, Hanji had been friendly and loud and… and _ concerned _ about him. 

And they had been so proud of Eren’s determination to recover. They had marveled at his resolution. Not only that though. When Eren had finally been cleared for professional sports, they had full on cried. Tears of joy, Hanji had said, but he had realized something despite their firm words. They were _ disappointed _ that he was stable enough to go off to Minnesota because that meant Eren wouldn’t live with them anymore. Eren would be set up in an apartment within walking distance of his training center, and he’d be living there alone. 

At the time, he had no idea what he could say to reassure them that he’d be okay, so Eren had just smiled softly and hugged Hanji because that’s what Jean had done, and that had worked out pretty well. They immediately accepted the affection and held him tightly. Eren said nothing when his shirt became progressively more damp; he just hugged them and waited. 

When the time came for Eren to go to Minnesota, (Levi _ really had _ sent a plane within an hour of Eren’s call), Hanji helped him ship off his stuff. They had just looked at him with a twinkle in their eye, and ruffled his hair with a knowing smile. Eren gave as good as he got, and once they finally stopped ruining each other’s hair, he left with a wave and a parting remark so solidly said it could only have been true, “This isn’t goodbye, Hanji. This is just a brief intermission. We’ll still Skype every Tuesday and Thursday, and you’re always welcome to visit once you move, too, so don’t be worried, okay?”

“Of course not, Eren! I trust you more than I trust myself. I’m not worried; I’m just nervous. I’ll get over it soon enough. I can’t wait to see you play, okay? You’re going to blow everyone’s expectations out of the water without even trying. I’m so excited.” And then Hanji had let Eren move away to board his plane. Just as he turned away, Eren saw a soft light glint across their face. All he had been able to do was grin and hope he didn’t cry. 

...Living by himself was... difficult. Eren had guessed it would be, so he wasn’t _ entirely _ unprepared, but it did hit him pretty hard even with the preparation. However, the calls from Hanji helped, and he had more support than he ever did before. There were two more people who frequently called him: Jean and, surprisingly enough, Levi.

Jean had been so much more willing to admit that he actually liked Eren after the whole ordeal- no, mistake... thing? Eren didn’t know exactly what he should call those six months he had spent rolling further and further downhill. Whatever they were, they had brought the two college students together, and Eren was grateful for that at least. 

The calls he sometimes got from Levi were different. For starters, if taken completely out of context, they were usually pretty insulting. (Which wasn’t really all that different from Jean’s calls, Eren thought with a snort.) Somehow though, they didn’t upset Eren in the slightest. All the little comments that just seemed plain mean we’re actually usually compliments in disguise. Very, very well made disguises, but disguises nonetheless. They never failed to make Eren grin from ear to ear, but maybe that was just because it was the Levi freaking Ackermann saying it. (That wasn’t entirely true, Eren had stopped thinking of the other man as only a living baseball legend a long time ago. It mattered to him because it was _ Levi _. And that meant more than anything else.)

Either way. On a bad day, only one thing was guaranteed to get Eren out of bed. A phone call. All he needed was to be reminded that there were people out there on his side, rooting for _ him _ . That realization always gave Eren the energy he needed to push himself out of his bed and do something, anything. _ Everything _. 

He could eventually get up by himself at this point, but it was always faster with some help. Eren suspected it always would be. 

-

With the skill of a genius, the stubbornness of an idiot, and the support of what seemed to be an army, Eren led the Twins through their best season yet. 

Social media was buzzing with compliments. The tag #yay!ger soared up the trending boards within minutes of the team’s win at the World Series. It had eventually been shoved down and replaced by two other tags: #baseballboys #ererikiss 

Mikasa had shared some choice words with her adopted brother when she saw the clip in question, but overall, the not-so-subtle announcement went really well, and _ everyone _ was excited for next season.

**fin.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am not going to make excuses for the delay. it was totally because of poor time management on my part. 
> 
> i have been busy with my school’s fall play, mega important upcoming tests (ACT/ PSAT), and so much gosh darn homework i wanna cry sometimes, but i still had time to write if i had actually put the effort in that i should have. i apologize for that. however, i hope that you guys still enjoyed the final chapter!!!! 
> 
> thank you so much for reading this, i love all of you. even if that isn’t very many, y’all are still out there, and you should know that i really appreciate you, and there is no chance that this would’ve been completed without you!
> 
> thank you all!!!!!!!!! <3
> 
> ( see you in the epilogue ;) )


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is a beginning, not an end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it. this is goodbye! thank you for reading my story, i love you all!!! 
> 
> *\\(^o^)/*

-:-

As Eren stalked up to the pitcher’s mound, he sighed in full-body relief. Part of him was always longing to be on the mound, constantly waiting for the chance to show everyone what he could do. This was that chance. Sure, he had pitched games for the Jaguars already, but this was the most important game of the season, and Pixis was putting it in  _ Eren’s _ hands. 

The score was close, 3-2, but Eren knew that his team had a better battery*, so all he had to do was keep the Titans from scoring. If he shut them out, his teammates didn’t even need to score another run,  _ they’d win _ . 

Eren had accomplished that so far, but this was the Titan’s last chance to take the game back. They weren’t just going to lay down and take the defeat quietly, so Eren had to make them. 

Bottom of the ninth. Eren took a deep breath and untensed his shoulders. This pitch could make it or break it. If the Titans managed to get a run, they would tie it up and have a chance to win. On the other hand, if Eren could strike out the side*, the game would be over, and the Jaguars would beat the Titans for the first time in the last twenty years. 

In a haze of gut churning responsibility, Eren stretched his shoulders. He blatantly ignored the twinge of pain in his pitching elbow. There was no time to be hindered by something so inconsequential. There was only time for Eren to pitch. 

First batter down. One ball, three strikes, went out swinging. Eren sighed in relief as the bat cut through the air just the slightest bit too low. Too slow. 

The next batter was more careful, too careful. Two balls, three strikes, went out looking. Eren snorted mentally, he had never been struck out  _ looking _ when he batted. That was the most idiotic way to get out. It’s the way a coward gets sent back to the bench. Eren wasn’t a fucking coward.

The last batter Eren had to strike out in order to win the game for his team walked to home-plate slowly. Eren immediately recognized him. He used to be friends with Jean and Mikasa. Bertholdt Hoover. #50. He still had that slightest look of nerves in his every move, but Eren wasn’t entirely convinced by that act. Bertholdt was good. There was no doubt about that, but Eren _knew_ that he was better. 

The only issue was the lingering (intensifying) pain in his elbow. It made his pitches weaker, Eren could tell better than anyone else. It made them slower and less precise. Every pitch he threw got progressively closer to dreadfully average, and, though he didn’t want to admit it, Eren was terrified of what that might mean. 

His first pitch was strong, but easy to return. Eren almost stopped breathing when Bertholdt actually hit it. However, luck seemed to be on Eren’s side as the hit went wild. It was a foul, and Bertholdt’s first strike. Eren could work with that. He just had to be careful. 

As he stretched once more, his elbow protested so strongly he almost dropped the new ball he’d been given. Pure will kept it locked in his fingers easily enough, but he also proceeded to throw three of the lousiest pitches he’d ever thrown in his entire career, and that was counting when Eren had just started learning the game. All of them were balls. If he threw another ball, Bertholdt would walk. Eren couldn’t let that happen. He hadn’t walked a player since his freshman year of highschool. 

Testing his arm’s remaining strength, Eren tossed the ball up into the air once easily catching it with his other hand. Coach Pixis gave him a sharp look as if to say, ‘stop fucking around and win the game already.’ Yeah, Eren got the message loud and clear. 

His next pitch was smooth, powerful, precise, it was practically perfect. Eren didn’t know if it was purely luck or actual skill that Bertholdt managed to clip the ball ever so slightly. It was a foul, and the batter’s second strike, but he still hit it. Eren narrowed his eyes at the incredibly tall player ahead of him. (That was honestly just another point to add to his list of things he didn’t like about Hoover. Baseball players should be shorter. All the best were. Levi Ackermann was a prime example.) 

#50 noticed easily enough even from the distance they were at. Bertholdt always had had fantastic vision. It was one of his good qualities. It was what made him a threat. It was what made him a better than average hitter. But, in that exact moment, Eren was almost definitely sure that the man’s eyesight was a weakness because it allowed him to see the absolute murder written across Eren’s entire body. 

The shifting of his feet gave away the nervousness Bertholdt felt easily enough. Eren smirked in satisfaction. An intimidated batter was much easier to deal with, and Eren needed any advantage he could get. His elbow was almost at its limit, he knew that, but this was it for him. He couldn’t just give up because of a little pain. Giving up was what cowards did. _Eren_ _wasn’t_ _a_ _fucking_ _coward._

He was Eren Fucking Jaeger. And Eren Fucking Jaeger never gives up just because of a little pain. He could handle it easily. (But Eren knew the only person he could possibly be trying to convince was himself, and even  _ he _ didn’t believe those words.) 

His roundup was perfect. Eren could just tell that it was a good pitch. It was like a sixth sense. He just knew that Bertholdt would be struck out with that pitch, whether the guy swung or not. However, the excitement of what he could tell was a winning pitch was quickly drowned out by burning. 

_ Pop. _

And Eren was on the ground faster than he could blink. Something was wrong. His elbow must’ve been worse than he’d thought. (Except that wasn’t true either, he knew how bad it was, he just chose to ignore all the reasons he shouldn’t have continued.) 

The short train of logical thought was cut off by an even more all encompassing wave of tear inducing agony. Eren’s mind was wiped almost entirely. Only one thing stuck.

There was one thing Eren couldn’t seem to stop repeating mentally. 

_ ‘This can’t be the end. I need to pitch again. I don’t want this to be the last time.’ _

  
  
  
  
  


** _(...And it wasn’t.)_ **

**Author's Note:**

> warning! i am by no means an expert on baseball, i wouldn’t even consider myself more than a very, very casual fan, so you can always tell me if i get stuff wrong!!! <3
> 
> AGGGGGHGHHHHHHGGG
> 
> i’m so very excited for this fic!!!! fun fact- i absolutely adore sports aus, so when an idea popped into my head for an Attack on Titan baseball au, i was psyched!!!!!! 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed my clumsy attempt to add to the fandom! <3


End file.
